I’m writing a book.
It is not going well.
If I’m honest, it’s probably going better than I think it is, though when I look at what I’ve written on actual paper – not on the hard drive that exists in my head or on assorted pastel Post-It notes – it feels like I’m failing.
Like I’ll never finish.
My book is about the letters my daddy wrote me throughout my life and how they became a way of holding onto him through his Alzheimer’s diagnosis. I had the idea about seven years ago, but I didn’t start seriously writing until around three years ago. With the help of my go-to book coaches, Ariel and Liz from Hungry Authors, I finally began to find direction in the story I want to tell. Still I spend a lot of time wondering whether I’m doing any of it right.
I said on the way home from church one day, “I just need to start over” and my husband very sweetly – and truthfully – answered, “No you don’t. You just need to keep going.”
That’s hard to do. I’ve tried to quit more than once. I stopped writing completely – barely even a thoughtful Facebook post – for several months last year. But for all the times I’ve tried to let it go, I have finally realized my idea won’t let me go.
In January I started a challenge with my church to read through the Bible in a year. That’s not going great either. I’m about two weeks behind (Boo!) but I did make it through the book of Leviticus this go round (Yay!) It’s hard to stick to the reading schedule some days because, well, I’ll just say it, some of the chapters are boring. The Old Testament names have run together more than once (Joash, Jehoahaz, and Jehoash – all in the same chapter?!) Many, many times I have had to read the same verses several times. Sometimes I just forge ahead. It feels disingenuous to go to the next chapter or book when my eyes are glazed for the current one. But I keep reading and keep trying and here’s why:
Whenever I feel discouraged – about my writing or reading – I find hope in the Bible. A few months ago, I found it (gasp!) in the Old Testament, smack in the middle of weird names.
I normally avoid the Old Testament like the plague (see what I did there?). I joked that Exodus, Leviticus, and Numbers are written like a high school student is trying to meet a word count. The stories and instructions are repetitive. And redundant. But tucked away in Exodus I found a couple of verses I keep returning to when I wonder whether I have what it takes to do what I feel God has called me to do, to write.
In Chapter 31 verse 1 the Lord speaks to Moses about Bezalel son of Uri, son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah, and Oholiab, son of Ahisamach, of the tribe of Dan:
“I have filled him with God’s spirit, with wisdom, understanding, and ability in every craft to design artistic works in gold, silver, and bronze, to cut gemstones for mounting, and to carve wood for work in every craft… I have placed wisdom within every skilled craftsman in order to make all that I have commanded you.”
My Bible footnotes say these two men “were entrusted with the unique opportunity to fulfill the Lord’s detailed specifications with both precision and creativity.”
Translation? God gave them everything they needed to do the job. And that means He has given me – and you – everything we need to carry out what He’s called us to do, too.
I’ve wanted to write about this passage for weeks. There are a lot of reasons why I haven’t, not the least of which is that I’m still getting over the fear and insecurity that paralyzed my writing last summer. Perhaps, with graduation season upon us and new life chapters ready to be written, the timing is actually kind of perfect.
I still feel like I have no idea what I’m doing most days. Some days that keeps me from doing anything at all. But maybe faithfulness to my task looks less like knowing what I’m doing and more like continuing the work anyway. Exodus 31 reminds me that if God called me to write, He will also equip me to keep going.
