The last time I was nervous about a new year was when 2007 turned to 2008. Jeff and I, party people that we are, were sitting at our kitchen table playing board games with a couple of friends. A tiered serving tray decorated one end of the table, offering what was left of our homemade Christmas candy. The living room TV was turned to Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. Ryan Seacrest was the host and had pitched to Fergie on the west coast where Natasha Bedingfield was performing her hit song “Unwritten.”
The lyrics interrupted any ideas I had for the next word I wanted to spell. “Staring at the blank page before me” hit too close to home. I was facing my own blank page and it didn’t exude the hope or possibility the song intended to inspire. I didn’t want a new chapter or a new year. I had my daddy in all of the old ones. He had died just 5 weeks earlier. I wasn’t ready to move on.
Every year since 2007 I’ve experienced a season of sadness leading up to the day daddy passed away in November. Somehow, I didn’t feel the loss as deeply this year. I think, at least in part, it’s because I’ve spent time writing stories about him and some of the things he taught me. Putting my memories into words kept him close and made my loss seem less so.
But grief is an unpredictable foe and it eventually caught up with me. December was hard. Daddy was born on Christmas Day and while the holiday isn’t usually a black hole, this year I felt a palpable void. I missed his physical presence so strongly that there were moments I expected to turn around and see him. It was an emotional month.
Daddy warned me more than once about getting swept up in my emotions. At first he would simply say I shouldn’t wear my heart on my sleeve. As I got older he wrote me a letter and amended that advice, cautioning me not to be controlled by my emotions:
“I hope and pray that your faith is strong enough to keep your spiritual feet on Holy Ground during the emotional times…. Our lives should not be held hostage by our weak emotions but by our faith that we get from God’s word.”
For most of my life I let my emotions influence my actions. I come by it honest. My Myers-Briggs result in college showed a unanimous “F” (feeling) personality. I scored zero points for “T” (thinking). Whether age or life experience, I’ve figured out a balance between the two. I’ve learned it’s important to pause between what I feel “right now” and how I want to react to it. In my weak moments, my faith – and my daddy’s – gives me the strength to stand.
Faith helps me face this new year with more confidence than I felt in 2007. It is one of God’s greatest gifts to me. Our pastor talked about gifts and blessings a few weeks ago. He even paused his sermon so we could quietly count our own. I opened the little notebook I keep tucked inside my Bible and began to write. The bold bullet points below are what I wrote in the pew, in order as my blessings came to mind. I made time later to write down specific reasons why these people and things mean so much to me.
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1) My daddy’s faith – It is impossible for me to sit in a church pew and not think about my daddy in some way, his burgundy Bible balanced on his knee or his fist tapping the back of the pew (sometimes a beat behind) as he sang hymns. I have his Bible now. There’s a list of people he prayed for, dates written beside verses and, in a few cases, the name of the person who preached. If my brothers or I read scripture he made note of that, too. I love having a tangible piece of his faith, something I can touch.
2) A committed husband – I’m chauffeur-in-chief in our family, driving our daughters to school, appointments and picking them up from practices. My job is flexible and allows it; Jeff’s schedule is more rigid. It’s hectic sometimes! A couple of weeks ago Jeff called as usual to let me know he was headed home from work. I asked which of our girls would be easier for him to grab and he answered, “Whatever you need me to do.” It was a small gesture but knowing he was ready to make life easier for me was an incredible comfort and energy boost. I’m grateful to have a spouse who shows up in big and little ways.
3) Kids I enjoy – Have you ever had to leave the room when one of your kids misbehaved because you knew you needed to correct or discipline but what you really want to do was laugh? My daughters are witty so it happens here quite a lot. They are also smart, creative and they care about others.
4) Teachers and administrators who love my girls – Lily was picked to play a game at a pep rally this past fall. One of the assistant principals recorded videos and sent them to me. Abby Kate, who is terrified of mice, played with a classmate’s pet rat in their gifted class one day. Her teacher texted me pictures. (She knew I wouldn’t believe it without evidence!) Abby Kate and Lily spend more time at school than at home so I hold a deep gratitude for the people who watch over them when I cannot.
5) New friendships – I made new friends last year when I joined a Facebook group for memoir writers. They encourage me and keep me accountable for my goals. I’ve enjoyed our connection. (I’m thankful for my old friends, too!)
6) Comfortable finances – Jeff and I are careful spenders but we are not opposed to an impromptu stop by Buc-ee’s for an ICEE or a beaver-themed snack. I’m thankful that we have money to enjoy.
7) Books – I indulged my love for books in 2023 by joining a year-long reading challenge. Each month the bookstore sponsoring the challenge listed a specific type of book to choose such as one with a color in the title or one set on an island. The prompts introduced me to books I may not have chosen on my own, and it gave me a greater appreciation for the freedom I have to read, learn and be entertained.
8) Answered prayers – I am thankful for my “Ebenezers” – places in my life where I can return to see God’s faithfulness to me and my family.
9) Fun brothers – My brothers Chad and Jeremy make life a lot of fun. Four years ago, Lego released a line of Harry Potter-themed mini-figures. My favorite character, Dobby, was included. Chad has a knack for identifying Lego minis while they are still in the wrapper, and not only found Dobby but mailed him to me special delivery. The envelope and sticky note still make me smile, and Dobby is proudly displayed on my desk. Jeremy texted us a fun flashback this Christmas. These handmade ornaments decorated our family tree for years and now they hang on his. “For the record,” he typed. “These two are still racing down the garland every year.”
10) A mom who loves and gives generously – Lily’s new favorite book series is Keeper of the Lost Cities. She bought the first book after Christmas and read it in a day. We couldn’t find the second book at any of our local stores. A bookstore just outside Birmingham had it in stock so my mom went out of her way to pick it up so that Lily would have it when we visited her a couple days later. Mom never hesitates to help when someone needs it, and she’s especially quick when her kids and grandkids call.
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Emotions swirl when a new year starts, sort of like the confetti that rains over New York City at midnight on New Year’s Eve. It’s easy to get caught up in our feelings. But as my daddy advised, we should be careful they don’t control us. For now, I choose to be content. Naming the good things in my life is a place to start.
What are you thankful for today? Can you list ten things? Two? Twenty? Take a moment to reflect and see where you find God’s faithfulness. Consider your gifts, blessings, and the most important things in your life. That list may guide your goals for 2024. I hope you will feel God’s presence with each step and that you’ll find confidence to face the blank page before you.
“Remember that the Lord your God led you on the entire journey…”
(Deuteronomy 8:2)